Being young and gay! - The reality of it

I think I have always known I wasn't 100% straight. I remember watching programmes when I was younger and only really paying attention to the girls and thinking they were pretty or I would 'fancy' women on TV more than men. I used to watch Strictly Come Dancing and not  look at the men dancers at all really, I still don't. When I started to realise this I began questioning why I thought like this; am I gay? This question has always played on my mind, I wasn't sure if I was a lesbian or bisexual. 

Throughout my life I always told people I was straight, I felt a bit ashamed I suppose. But towards the last couple years of secondary school a couple of my friends came out and were accepted by people in our friendship group. I thought that if they were accepted then I would be too; so I built up the courage to tell my closest friends I was bisexual. Like I guessed, they were totally cool with it and it was like nothing happened. 

Because of the acceptance of my friendship group I thought about telling my parents. I felt more confident telling my Mum about my sexuality. It wasn't like a sit-down situation, it was just sort of brought up in conversation and that was it really. It was pretty easy, but I knew my Mum would be okay with whatever sexuality I am. Telling my Dad wasn't as easy for me. I was so nervous, I could barely get the words out. I held it off for so long because I wasn't sure what he would say. I knew he wouldn't disown me or anything like that, but there was still something there that was preventing me from telling him. Although it wasn't as easy as telling my Mum, it went down okay and I felt a lot better afterwards. 

I know that I'm one of the really lucky ones, and not all parents are as accepting as mine. So many kids are rejected and shunned by their parents for their sexuality. 24% of the homeless youth in the UK are LGBT+. The main reasons so many young, gay people are homeless is due to parental rejection, abuse from within the family and also aggression. There are many shelters up and down the UK but they're not always easily accessible. Many charities have been set up to help fund shelters and get more LGBT+ youth off the streets and in to a safe environment, including: The Albert Kennedy Trust. 

Rob Stothard—Getty Images

Through a poll I shared I asked a group of LGBT youth how their parents reacted to them coming out and 73% answered that their parents accepted their sexuality and they also get along with them. This is a good statistic and I'm really please that these people had a good coming out experience. 18% answered that their parents accepted their sexuality, but not their gender identity. 

Nearly half of young LGBT+ people have considered suicide in their lives. That is a sad and shocking statistic. Mental health is also a big problem particularly for LGBT+ people as 42% have sought medical help to do with anxiety and also depression. There is a higher risk of mental health problems in young LGBT+ people compared to heterosexual people of the same age. Almost half of under 26 year old transgender people have attempted suicide. Why is mental health such a big issue for LGBT+ youth? Is it due to the lack of mental health support in the UK? Personally it took me over five attempts of talking to a doctor about my own mental health to finally be taken seriously and given the health care I really needed. I believe some people think that the struggles we go through are just trivial things that aren't really a big deal, but this is so far from the truth! 

In some places LGBT+ people still aren't even treated like human beings. Being gay is illegal in 72 countries. That is a huge amount of countries. And in 8 countries gay people can face the death penalty. Can you imagine being sentenced to death just for being in love? It's madness. Besides facing death, gay people can also end up with a 15 year prison sentence in some countries. In 2011 Radio 1 DJ, Scott Mills - an openly gay man - travelled to the African country, Uganda to document the way gay people are treated. At that time a gay person could face 14 years in prison. Many people tried to put forth the death penalty although this was changed to life in prison in 2014. During Mills' time in Uganda he met with anti-gay preachers and also gay people who are in hiding. If caught these people could be sent to prison, or even beaten to death in the street. The documentary is truly eye-opening. I found a version of it on Youtube which I'll link here. Go check it out if you have a chance. I asked a group of young LGBT+ people whether they ever feel the need to hide their sexual identity and every single one of them said yes. 100% said they feel the need to hide who they are. That is so incredibly saddening. 

Quotesgram.com

80% of LGBT+ people who have experience a hate crime due to their sexuality didn't report it to the police. Young people are also the least likely to report a hate crime because they feel that the authorities don't take their issues seriously. Seems to be a reoccurring situation that LGBT+ people aren't taken seriously. Youtuber Timmy Timato (23) made a video 3 years ago talking about a homophobic attack him and his boyfriend experienced in a shopping mall in America. In the video Timmy said that him and his partner were on an ascending escalator sharing a kiss, and on the descending escalator was a man who then started to shout homophobic comments at them. 'I'm glad we were on different escalators and safe because I don't know what would've happened, he seemed so angry.' Timmy also mentions that the situation was 'traumatising' because they 'didn't feel safe'. Although Timmy says that he is all for PDA, 36% of LGBT+ people said they don't feel comfortable walking in public while holding their partners hand. I asked in a poll if people have ever felt discriminated against by a stranger and 79% answered yes. Attacks on LGBT+ people surge almost 80% in the UK over the last four years.

LGBT+ representation is slowing increasing - not as much as I would like, but it is happening - in film and TV. According to GLAAD, of the 125 film released in 2016 only 23 (18.4%) contained characters who identified as LGBT+. That isn't a great amount really. Although Hollywood is letting us down with representation, there are quite a few shows on Netflix with some pretty awesome LGBT+ characters including: Orange is the New Black, and Sense 8. Gay men are the most represented by a significant margin of 83%. Lesbian characters have increased since 2016 by 35%, and bisexual representation has increased by 13%. Even though LGBT+ representation is increasing, it's only really increasing for white people. The racial diversity of LGBT+ characters has actually decreased, which is very disappointing. A record breaking number of LGBT+ characters appeared on US TV in 2017. 6.4% of characters on broadcast prime-time TV identified as LBGT+, with 77% of them being white. There is also more discussion about being LGBT+ with celebrities now too as more of them are coming out. Loads of A-List celebrities are openly gay and also fight for gay rights, using their social media platforms to spread information. Open LGBT+ celebrities include: David Bowie, Laverne Cox, Amandla Stenberg, Stephen Fry, Angelina Jolie, Halsey and so many more!

Troye Sivan, an Australian Youtuber and singer, used his platform in 2013 to come out as gay to his followers and fans. He did this because he thought he owed it to his fans, but also because he wanted to inspire his younger fans who are questioning themselves. In his video he talks about how he watched so many 'coming out videos' that inspired him and gave him the courage, so he wanted to do the same. 'But this is not something I'm ashamed of, and it's not something anyone should have to be ashamed of.'  The video has 7.8 million views and has a collection of really nice comments of support and also people sharing their own experiences. 

I'm 20 years old and I only really came to a solid conclusion that I am bisexual about a year ago; I spent 19 years questioning my own identity. I've never truly come out to everyone in my family either. Although I'm so certain of myself I still get nervous and worried about how people will react to me. Unfortunately, I don't think those feelings will ever go away, maybe they'll slowly minimise, but then again maybe not. From all the people I asked in my poll, 81% of them were under 21, and 67% of them knew they weren't heterosexual before they turned 13 years old. 

LGBT+ rights are something I feel very strongly about, and as someone who is a part of the LGBT+ community it affects me, and quite a few of my friends. If you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or whatever you identify as then please know that you aren't alone and there are always people you can talk to:

Alternatively you can always message me on my Instagram or twitter!

Thank you for reading,
Bx

A letter to my Mum

Dear Mum,

This is a letter to you on Mothers Day. I just wanted to say thank you for everything you have done and currently do for me. You're more than a Mum to me, you're a best friend I can't even go a day without talking to. 

Although we've had our ups and downs I know you're always there for me. I'm very lucky and grateful to be a part of your family and to have you as a Mother. 

You're my inspiration and I want to be able to give you everything you've ever wanted if I could. I know I don't always say this but I love you lots and lots and I don't know what I would do without you there.

I tell you everything and how my day has been. You're the first person I gossip to. You're my Most Haunted and Rupaul buddy. We have our little inside jokes that make me laugh every time without fail.

I know I can be super annoying and there are probably times you wish you could throttle me; like when I don't wash up or sort out my washing. I know this, I'm sorry.

But I love you forever and always.

Lots of love,

Bren xoxo

My favourite Youtubers!

Watching Youtube videos is basically what I spend most of my time doing. I subscribe to a lot of Youtubers, but I have a few selected ones I watch all the time. I often spend time binge watching Youtuber videos and vlogs. I love vlogs. Youtube and Youtubers have influenced me a lot, and I know that some of them start off writing blogs, so maybe one day I'll venture on to Youtube, who knows. 

I watch a whole variety of videos including lifestyle, beauty, make up tutorials, travel vlogs, daily vlogs, music covers, and more. Youtube and other social medias are platforms to inspire and I think that these Youtubers do that in one way or another.

Emzotic

Em runs an animal education channel on Youtube. She has lots of animals and does a weekly series called the 'Creature feature' where she takes one specific animal or species and makes a video explaining how to care for this animal, and facts about said animal. She's a pretty cool lady. 

You can watch Emzotics videos here!


Jenna Marbles

Everyone who watches Youtube knows who Jenna Marbles is. I love Jenna, I think she's absolutely hilarious. Whether she's gluing rhinestones to her face or attempting to prank her boyfriend Julien, it's always a fun time on her channel. 

Check out Jennas channel here.


Louise Pentland/Sprinkle of glitter

Louise Pentland is a British Youtuber and blogger. Every Sunday Louise posts a weekly vlog that I watch every week. She started out as a beauty blogger nearly 10 years ago, but now features parenting tips and lifestyle videos. Louise is totally real and really authentic, she doesn't really sugar-coat anything.

Watch Louises main channel here and her Sprinkle of Chatter channel here.


Sophie Louise

Sophie Louise is a beauty and lifestyle Youtuber. Last year she vlogged moving house, I loved watching them. Sophie is a smaller Youtuber which, to me, makes her a little bit more authentic. 

Take a look at her channel here


Jbunzie

Jbunzie does a few different things on her channel. She posts make up tutorials, vintage fashion and does the most amazing character and celebrity transformations. She has transformed herself in to Jessica Rabbit, Betty Boop, Ariana Grande, Daenerys and many more. I highly suggest you check out her channels.

She is totally adorable and is a unique channel to me. Jessica has a love for all things vintage and is always trying out vintage make up or tutorials.

Her main channel can be found here and her second channel here!


Crystal Lindy

Lindy is a Youtuber from the Netherlands. She has a really cool unique style and bases her videos around that. Lindy does grunge inspired make up tutorials, and hair dye tutorials.

You can check her out here!

Sophdoesnails

Soph is a UK beauty blogger. She makes make up tutorials and reviews make up and beauty products. Soph actually has her own highlighter and eye shadow palettes in collaboration with Make Up Revolution. I reviewed her eyeshadow palette in a previous blog post, you can check that out here.

Have a looks at Sophs channel. 


Gabriella Lindley/VelvetGhost

Gabby is a lifestyle and beauty Youtuber from Brighton, UK. Gabby makes a range of videos, from Q&As to make up product reviews. Gabriella also has a vlog channel where she often posts daily/weekly vlogs. I find that she is really open and real with everyone, so I really like her content.

Gabriellas main channel (VelvetGhost) can be found here and her vlog channel here.

I really hope you take the time to check out and support these Youtubers. They deserve it.

Thank you for reading!
Bx

My realistic 5 year plan!

5 years seems like a while away yet, but we both know it's going to fly by! The last 5 years did, anyway. I've sat down and had a think about my realist goals for the next 5 years and I think I've come up with some pretty achievable ones for myself. 

They seem pretty simple, but for me that's a good start!

Have a career, not just a job - I want to be settled in an actual career and not just a simple job I'm super bored of. I want to be able to enjoy going to work, and not like it's just a chore. I would love to have a career in writing because I obviously love it, and I don't think I'm awful at it. 

Move out of Cornwall - I can not wait until I move away from Cornwall! As beautiful as it is, it's just so incredibly boring. I wouldn't be able to have a proper career down here even if I tried. I'm aiming for a little but more than this. I would miss the beauty of the countryside, but I just prefer the city a lot more! I would love to eventually end up in London, but I would be willing to compromise for the right job I think.

London by Me

Be well on the way to buying my own house - In 5 years time I'll be 25 years old, so I think that is a good enough time as any to start looking in to owning my own house. Although I said I would love to end up in London, I don't think I would ever buy a house in London (as if I'd ever be able to afford one anyway!). I'd probably end up somewhere I can get to London easily from. Maybe Bristol!

Have a good grip on my mental health - If you've read my mental health journey post then you're aware I suffer from depression and anxiety. Although I've suffered from it for a very long time, I still feel like I can't quite control myself. In 5 years time I would like to be able to say that I suffered from depression and anxiety, not suffer. This is probably this biggest goal I would like to achieve from this list. If I don't control this then it'll make everything else here 100x harder to achieve. Not impossible, just harder. So this is a very important one for me to do.

Start writing my novel - As I stated in my Introduction post I would like to write my own novel at some point. I've been jotting down ideas for years but I've never actually done anything with them, so I would at least like to have started putting them in some sort of order or plot. I'd love to at least have a first draft of a novel by the time I'm 25. I think this is pretty achievable. I just have to give myself a kick up the bum and get on with it! 

Start a new hobby - A pretty simple one, but also really difficult for me at the same time. I'm not very sporty, so sports is out the window. I have never been very arty. It's hard to decide on a hobby I'd really like to try. Currently nothing really speaks out to me, so I'm hoping that in the next 5 years something really catches my attention and makes me want to have a go. We'll have to see though. 

I have loads of goals I'd love to achieve, but they're not entirely realistic for the next 5 years, so maybe you'll see them in my Lifetime Goals blog post I'm going to be sharing soon. So keep your eyes peeled for that one. 

Thanks for reading,

Bx 

   

My reading list! - Stories I can't help but love

Narrowing my favourite novels down to just three was hard. But, I finally did it after lots of jigging my list around. I read quite often so I had lots of books to choose from, so I had to narrow it down to the stories I can re-read over and over again. No matter how many times I've read them they just never seem to get boring, and I believe that is the real test of what makes a good book. I know reading is a personal thing and you may think that some of the stories I mention aren't your favourite, that's okay! But if you haven't read them I really suggest giving them a go.

Wuthering Heights

 So, book number one, my all time favourite and I've read it probably about six times, is Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë. It's a classic and everyone has heard of it. It's a fierce story about love and revenge between the two main characters Heathcliff and Cathy. The story is set in 1801 in the Yorkshire moors, where Mr. Earnshaw returns home from Liverpool with a young orphan boy who he names Heathcliff. Cathy and Heathcliff fall desperately in love from a young age and grow up in Wuthering Heights together. After Mr. Earnshaw passes away Cathy's' older brother, Hindley inherits Wuthering Heights and forces Heathcliff to work as a servant at the house. Fed up with 'not being good enough' for Cathy, Heathcliff runs away to better himself. Upon returning, with riches, he discovers that Cathy has married Edgar Lipton. The love and revenge and even death that follows is a whirlwind of romance, evil and sorrow. It's one of those books you can barely put down.

There is a beautiful film adaptation made in 1939 starring Laurence Olivier and the beautiful Merle Oberon. The movie is filmed in black and white and I definitely think it's my favourite version of the film. 

Emily Brontë was born in 1818 in Yorkshire. She was the second youngest of six children, 
four sisters and one brother, although the two eldest daughters, Maria and Elizabeth died before they turned twelve years old due to tuberculosis in 1825. Her two sisters Anne and Charlotte were both poets and writers; famously writing Jane Eyre and Agnes Grey. 

Wuthering Heights was Brontë's first and only novel. It was published in 1847 under the pen name Ellis Bell. Brontë sadly died a year later in 1848 due to tuberculosis. Since her death Wuthering Heights has become a literary classic and is often used in schools and colleges.

Buy it here.

The Great Gatsby

Set in the summer of 1922 The Great Gatsby is a roller-coaster of emotions from joy to sadness; with flamboyant parties and a secret love. Regrettably I watched the film before I read the book, but that didn't take away from the beauty of the novel. The story follows Nick Caraway's journey of finding out exactly who his mysterious neighbour is. The one who throws all of the huge parties the whole city attends in hope that his one true love, Daisy Buchanan, would walk through the door. It's a tragic love story I can read over and over again. I don't think I could ever get sick of it.

Everyone has seen the beautiful, colourful film adaptation of F. Scott Fitzgerald's 1925 novel. Baz Luhrmann did a phenomenal job of bringing this wonderful story to the big screen. The 2013 film stars Leonardo DiCaprio, Carey Mulligan and Tobey Maguire. The film is a fun ride filled to the brim with brilliant music and gorgeous costumes. It's fantastic right down to the last detail. It also doesn't stray too far from the novel, which to me is a big fat plus. Definitely check it out if you haven't yet.

F. Scott Fitzgerald was born in 1896 and has four finished published novels: The Great Gatsby, The Beautiful and Damned, Tender is the Night and This Side of Paradise. He also has an unfinished novel that was published after his death in 1941 called The Last Tycoon. The Beautiful and Damned is also a brilliant work of art, I highly recommend that story too! As well as novels Fitzgerald also wrote over 160 short stories for magazines and four collections of short stories. Since his death in 1940 he has been named one of the greatest American writers of the 20th century.

Buy it here.

Romeo & Juliet

Arguably William Shakespeare's most famous play Romeo & Juliet is a wonderful tale of forbidden love between two young members of rival gangs in Verona. I don't need to say much about this story as I'm sure most, if not all, of you have studied this story in school or college. Everyone knows the plot to this twisted tragedy. Although not technically a novel I couldn't leave it off my list. It's a special story featuring love, death and a very fast marriage. I feel like I was the only one in my English class who actually enjoyed studying this story. Although I love all of Shakespeare's works, this one really stuck out for me. I really hope to one day see it performed in the Globe Theatre in London. 

William Shakespeare was born in 1564 in Stratford-Upon-Avon. He was a poet, playwright and actor. He wrote roughly 39 plays in his lifetime and over 150 sonnets. When he was 18 he married Anne Hathaway who he had three children with. He started his career as an actor but soon discovered his love for writing. There is lots we don't actually know about Shakespeare as he kept his private life very low-key and there's barely any records of him. Therefore, we have hardly any knowledge of his beliefs, sexuality or even his physical appearance, except the very famous portrait of him. There is speculation that Shakespeare was bisexual as the famous 'Sonnet 18' presumably written by William Shakespeare was dedicated to a Mr. W.H. Although it has never been confirmed that it was written my Shakespeare himself lots of people believe he liked the company of men as well as women. I like to think he was an open minded human being, based on his work. 

Another Leonardo DiCaprio and Baz Luhrmann collaboration coming your way. Now, I don't believe anyone when they say they've never seen the 1996 adaptation of Romeo & Juliet featuring Leo and Claire Danes. It's an iconic movie with beautiful imagery. Again, the costumes are beautiful and classic with the magical touch of modern music perfectly placed. 

Shakespeare sadly died in 1616 at the age of 52. A reason for his death has never been determined, although he died a week after signing his will in which he described himself as being in 'perfect health'. Since his death he has been hailed literary genius and I believe he will always be loved for his work. He will stand the test of time with classics like Romeo and Juliet, A Midsummers Night Dream, Much Ado About Nothing and Hamlet. I truly urge you to read at least one play by Shakespeare.

Buy it here.

Thank you for reading my list of favourite novels/stories (although if you ask me what they are they're likely to change as I have so many). I highly recommend reading these stories to open your literary mind, and where better to start than absolute classics. 

Bx

Pictures courtesy of :

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Wuthering-Heights-Wordsworth-Classics-Bront%C3%AB/dp/1853260010

http://www.loyalbooks.com/book/romeo-and-juliet-by-william-shakespeare

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Great_Gatsby

http://www.alamy.com/stock-photo-wuthering-heights-1939-movie-poster-87843752.html

http://collider.com/the-great-gatsby-review/

http://mentalfloss.com/article/84077/12-star-crossed-facts-about-romeo-juliet

How to deal with pale skin (and my favourite cruelty free make up products)

Having pale skin can be a real pain in the butt. I have to protect my skin from the sun every single time I go out no matter what the weather. Tanning? Forget it. I tend to avoid the sun as much as possible to be honest. The other struggle is finding make up products that don't make you look like you've just dipped your face in mud.

If you knew me in secondary school then you can vouch for how bad my make up was. I was constantly sporting that horrible orange line on my neck. The trouble wasn't that I didn't know how to apply make up, because I did, there was just never any products available for skin as pale as me. Granted there is a lot more now, which is brilliant, but when I was growing up there was no Fenty Beauty or Kat Von D foundations.

Looking after my skin is a full time job. If you haven't read my Skin Care Routine post yet then I recommend reading that just to get an understanding of what I go through every day looking after my skin. As someone with acne prone skin I always wanted a high coverage foundation or concealer to hide my pimples and also my freckles (I love freckles now but I don't have any anymore!), but alas, none were available.

Working with make up has given me a great opportunity to explore different brands and products to find out which ones work best for me and my (nearly) translucent skin. The best drug store brand I've found that caters to pale skin is GOSH cosmetics. They have lots of different base products in shades perfect for pale to medium skin. From their powers to their liquid foundations I've found something that works for me. I currently just use the GOSH cosmetics CCC stick in light 003 and the GOSH mineral full coverage foundation powder in Ivory 002. These two products alone provide me with great coverage and they're the perfect match for my white skin.

Quite a few brands now do lightening and darkening drops to mix in with foundations to alter the shade. My favourite are the MUA cool lightening drops. They work really well with my cool skin tone without making my product too yellow.

Although there are a lot more products for pale skin now than there was about 5 years ago it can still be hard to find shades that suit you right. This works for dark skin too. It's just as hard, if not harder to find shades to dark-very dark skin. But I think that now the make up industry is taking steps in the right direction, so I think we can expect to find more variety and choice when it comes to cosmetics. And honestly, black-owned make up brands are taking the industry by storm and creating all these beautiful, diverse products; so that is something really exciting to look forward to!

Thank you for reading

Bx

Photos from superdrug.com

How I got my dry/damaged hair healthy again!!

I am a serial hair dyer. I've always had a funny relationship with my hair. I'm a natural ginger although I've had pretty much every hair colour. I was bullied a lot when I was younger for having ginger hair, I even got attacked on the way home from school when I was 11. I know, so pathetic. Anyway, after that incident I really really wanted to dye my hair, my Mum finally caved and since then my hair has been to Hell and back. 

I went so long just dying my hair red, purple, brown and black, and it wasn't until about 18 months ago I actually decided to go blonde. I did it myself which was my first mistake. Putting shop-bought bleach on dark brown dyed hair is never going to work. My hair turned this bright orange with dark patches everywhere. Then I made my second mistake, bleaching it again! Putting bleach on already bleached hair is probably the worst thing you can do to your hair. My hair went so dry. I decided not to cut the dead ends off my hair; mistake number three!

You'd think I would've learned my lesson. Nope! My hair was so abused for so long, it was in such bad condition. I ended up having to cut my mid-length hair up in to a chin-length bob. I wasn't too fussed about that. But... I still didn't learn! I decided to bleach my hair again. So stupid. My hair basically turned to mush so I had to have even more cut off, but even after so much hair being removed my hair was so dry. 

So this is how I got my hair from horrible, dry straw to soft and healthy:

I used a lot of products for this. But I think the main reason my hair is so much better now is because I only wash it once a week, if it's lucky, I can go longer. This allows my hair to soak in its natural oils to add a bit more moisture to it. This also helps if you have greasy hair, or it gets greasy really easy because your scalp releases oils and if they're not removed your skin will eventually stop producing so much.

I also used a lot of coconut oil with Aloe Vera (not sure if it did anything really) as a hair mask. Sometimes I'd leave it on overnight otherwise I'd leave it on for an hour or two. It made my hair smell so so good, and it was super soft although I didn't really notice a difference in the texture of my hair; there may have been a small improvement.

Then, about 6 months ago I was browsing the Superdrug website and decided to have a look at the Black hair care section because I know that the texture of African/Black hair is different to my hair; it's dryer and doesn't take in moisture as well so it needs heavy duty hair moisturisers. There I found out that Almond oil is amazing on dry hair, and I also found coconut and manuka honey protein masks by Palmer's.

These products work heavenly. After one use of the almond oil and half a pack of the coconut protein mask mixed with Shea Moisture's black castor oil hair mask my hair was so soft and smooth. My hair just soaked up all the products because it was so dry but the end result was amazing. I now use this mask a couple times a month just to keep my hair moisturised.

I highly recommend these products as they have seriously done some magic to my hair. I'm so glad I found them. They can all be found on the Superdrug website and are reasonably priced. The black castor oil mask is more on the pricey side but you get such a huge tub (I've barely used any) and it works like a dream so I really believe that it's worth the money. In fact they're all on offer on the website currently (1/1/18)

Thank you for reading!
Bx

Mental Health - My journey and how you can get help.

Trigger warning: I do talk about self harm and suicide attempts in this post so read with caution.

Dealing with mental health impacts every aspect of life, even if you're not the one that's ill. The chances of you knowing someone with mental health problems is very high, you may not even be aware of their conditions. Depression and anxiety affect every 1 in 6 people in the UK. Although, 1 in 4 people suffer from mental health problems. 

Mental health is as serious as any physical injury and should treated as such. I personally suffer from depression and anxiety. It can hit anyone: man, woman, gay, straight, black or white; it doesn't matter who you are or even your social status. 

My experience with depression and anxiety has been a roller coaster. I first noticed it when I was about 16 years old, although I believe it was there earlier as I was bullied for many reasons, the main one being my ginger hair. The trigger was my Mums husband leaving, then having to care for my Mum. He left right before my GCSE's, and it caused me to miss a lot of school which ended up piling on the stress for me. As a 16 year old this truly affected me terribly. I started self harming and basically begging for attention from anyone because I felt so low I just wanted someone to be there. On top of all of this I was internally dealing with my sexuality, I didn't know who I was. I'm bisexual, and now I embrace it but at the time I absolutely didn't want to be judged. Even though I've faced bi-phobia I'm comfortable enough with myself to not let it effect me too much. 

Although I did okay in my exams it caused me to have anxiety about school and education in general really. People judging and talking behind your back about how you skived so much school hurt me and scarred me. This went on until college. I rarely went due to anxiety, and my mood was so low I saw no point or no future for myself which then put me off going even more. It was a vicious cycle. I only lasted about 3 months at college. The college was completely unsympathetic to my situation and even told my whole tutor about my issues. Which, you guessed it, triggered even more anxiety. 

In February of 2015 I took an overdose of pills and was admitted to hospital where I was placed on a drip and monitored for 24 hours. This was a horrible experience for me and my family. Even though my Mum and Dad were with me whenever they could be, none of my friends came to see me or seem to care about it. This hurt and made me feel even worse. After this incident I dropped out of college and was sent to counselling.

This wasn't my first time at counselling. In fact it was my third. The first two being completely unsuccessful. Honestly, going in to my first session I didn't have high standards. I wasn't expecting it to go well. It didn't. I ended up going to one session. I hated it so much. 

After that I did nothing about my mental health for just over a year. In that year I had ups and downs. I had a job but my anxiety got the better of me and I ended up leaving my job and doing nothing for a few months. Until I found another job.

Towards the end of 2016 I got really low. I ended up missing work, and I didn't want to do that; I loved my job and the people there and felt like I was letting them down which caused more anxiety, unsurprisingly. Because of this I decided to do something about it, I wanted help, I didn't want to feel the way I felt anymore. I made a doctors appointment and ended up being referred to CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). The best thing to ever happen to me really. It was so different to the other counselling I'd had before. The woman I had working with me was (and still is) amazing and helped me so much. 

Around this time I was placed on anti-depressants and still take them today. I believe they've worked although I still have quite bad symptoms of depression and anxiety. After my counselling sessions finished (I had 6 sessions over the course of 8 weeks) I continued at my job but grew increasingly anxious and sad which then caused me to leave my job unfortunately. My manager was such an angel and really understood my situation. I am truly grateful as I'm aware not everyone is so empathetic to people with mental health problems. So, currently jobless and attending CBT again I'm starting to see a future for myself and I'm starting to pick myself up and stop feeling sorry for myself. 

My mental health has caused me to be bad at holding relationships with people as I get so anxious and stressed and I hold it in and push people away from me. My mood can change in the blink of an eye which I can't control no matter how hard I try. It puts a real strain on me. I've lost so many good friends over the years because of my mental health. It happens, and no one should have to apologise for their symptoms, and I've learned not to do that. So don't ever think you deserve less because of your mental health. 

I wanted to share this because I wanted to tell people my story and show that a lot of people go through shit and if you're feeling low that you're not alone. I am always open to talk on instagram @brennaahenryy and twitter @brewdarrymore if anyone wants to talk to a stranger (sometimes its easier).

I also want to say that if you're worried or anxious there are people you can talk to. Here are some numbers you can call if you're struggling:

You're never alone and there will always be someone to help. 
I want to tell you about this app I saw advertised on Twitter called Calm Harm. It's an app you can download for FREE on IOS and android. There is lots of different ways to control harming urges on the app from distractions to breathing exercises which also help with panic attacks and anxiety related problems. I've used it myself and I highly rate it!!

I want to thank you for letting me share my mental health journey, even though it's not complete yet. I'm anxious about posting this, but even if one person sees it and talks to someone that's a positive to me. 

Bx