Being young and gay! - The reality of it

I think I have always known I wasn't 100% straight. I remember watching programmes when I was younger and only really paying attention to the girls and thinking they were pretty or I would 'fancy' women on TV more than men. I used to watch Strictly Come Dancing and not  look at the men dancers at all really, I still don't. When I started to realise this I began questioning why I thought like this; am I gay? This question has always played on my mind, I wasn't sure if I was a lesbian or bisexual. 

Throughout my life I always told people I was straight, I felt a bit ashamed I suppose. But towards the last couple years of secondary school a couple of my friends came out and were accepted by people in our friendship group. I thought that if they were accepted then I would be too; so I built up the courage to tell my closest friends I was bisexual. Like I guessed, they were totally cool with it and it was like nothing happened. 

Because of the acceptance of my friendship group I thought about telling my parents. I felt more confident telling my Mum about my sexuality. It wasn't like a sit-down situation, it was just sort of brought up in conversation and that was it really. It was pretty easy, but I knew my Mum would be okay with whatever sexuality I am. Telling my Dad wasn't as easy for me. I was so nervous, I could barely get the words out. I held it off for so long because I wasn't sure what he would say. I knew he wouldn't disown me or anything like that, but there was still something there that was preventing me from telling him. Although it wasn't as easy as telling my Mum, it went down okay and I felt a lot better afterwards. 

I know that I'm one of the really lucky ones, and not all parents are as accepting as mine. So many kids are rejected and shunned by their parents for their sexuality. 24% of the homeless youth in the UK are LGBT+. The main reasons so many young, gay people are homeless is due to parental rejection, abuse from within the family and also aggression. There are many shelters up and down the UK but they're not always easily accessible. Many charities have been set up to help fund shelters and get more LGBT+ youth off the streets and in to a safe environment, including: The Albert Kennedy Trust. 

Rob Stothard—Getty Images

Through a poll I shared I asked a group of LGBT youth how their parents reacted to them coming out and 73% answered that their parents accepted their sexuality and they also get along with them. This is a good statistic and I'm really please that these people had a good coming out experience. 18% answered that their parents accepted their sexuality, but not their gender identity. 

Nearly half of young LGBT+ people have considered suicide in their lives. That is a sad and shocking statistic. Mental health is also a big problem particularly for LGBT+ people as 42% have sought medical help to do with anxiety and also depression. There is a higher risk of mental health problems in young LGBT+ people compared to heterosexual people of the same age. Almost half of under 26 year old transgender people have attempted suicide. Why is mental health such a big issue for LGBT+ youth? Is it due to the lack of mental health support in the UK? Personally it took me over five attempts of talking to a doctor about my own mental health to finally be taken seriously and given the health care I really needed. I believe some people think that the struggles we go through are just trivial things that aren't really a big deal, but this is so far from the truth! 

In some places LGBT+ people still aren't even treated like human beings. Being gay is illegal in 72 countries. That is a huge amount of countries. And in 8 countries gay people can face the death penalty. Can you imagine being sentenced to death just for being in love? It's madness. Besides facing death, gay people can also end up with a 15 year prison sentence in some countries. In 2011 Radio 1 DJ, Scott Mills - an openly gay man - travelled to the African country, Uganda to document the way gay people are treated. At that time a gay person could face 14 years in prison. Many people tried to put forth the death penalty although this was changed to life in prison in 2014. During Mills' time in Uganda he met with anti-gay preachers and also gay people who are in hiding. If caught these people could be sent to prison, or even beaten to death in the street. The documentary is truly eye-opening. I found a version of it on Youtube which I'll link here. Go check it out if you have a chance. I asked a group of young LGBT+ people whether they ever feel the need to hide their sexual identity and every single one of them said yes. 100% said they feel the need to hide who they are. That is so incredibly saddening. 

Quotesgram.com

80% of LGBT+ people who have experience a hate crime due to their sexuality didn't report it to the police. Young people are also the least likely to report a hate crime because they feel that the authorities don't take their issues seriously. Seems to be a reoccurring situation that LGBT+ people aren't taken seriously. Youtuber Timmy Timato (23) made a video 3 years ago talking about a homophobic attack him and his boyfriend experienced in a shopping mall in America. In the video Timmy said that him and his partner were on an ascending escalator sharing a kiss, and on the descending escalator was a man who then started to shout homophobic comments at them. 'I'm glad we were on different escalators and safe because I don't know what would've happened, he seemed so angry.' Timmy also mentions that the situation was 'traumatising' because they 'didn't feel safe'. Although Timmy says that he is all for PDA, 36% of LGBT+ people said they don't feel comfortable walking in public while holding their partners hand. I asked in a poll if people have ever felt discriminated against by a stranger and 79% answered yes. Attacks on LGBT+ people surge almost 80% in the UK over the last four years.

LGBT+ representation is slowing increasing - not as much as I would like, but it is happening - in film and TV. According to GLAAD, of the 125 film released in 2016 only 23 (18.4%) contained characters who identified as LGBT+. That isn't a great amount really. Although Hollywood is letting us down with representation, there are quite a few shows on Netflix with some pretty awesome LGBT+ characters including: Orange is the New Black, and Sense 8. Gay men are the most represented by a significant margin of 83%. Lesbian characters have increased since 2016 by 35%, and bisexual representation has increased by 13%. Even though LGBT+ representation is increasing, it's only really increasing for white people. The racial diversity of LGBT+ characters has actually decreased, which is very disappointing. A record breaking number of LGBT+ characters appeared on US TV in 2017. 6.4% of characters on broadcast prime-time TV identified as LBGT+, with 77% of them being white. There is also more discussion about being LGBT+ with celebrities now too as more of them are coming out. Loads of A-List celebrities are openly gay and also fight for gay rights, using their social media platforms to spread information. Open LGBT+ celebrities include: David Bowie, Laverne Cox, Amandla Stenberg, Stephen Fry, Angelina Jolie, Halsey and so many more!

Troye Sivan, an Australian Youtuber and singer, used his platform in 2013 to come out as gay to his followers and fans. He did this because he thought he owed it to his fans, but also because he wanted to inspire his younger fans who are questioning themselves. In his video he talks about how he watched so many 'coming out videos' that inspired him and gave him the courage, so he wanted to do the same. 'But this is not something I'm ashamed of, and it's not something anyone should have to be ashamed of.'  The video has 7.8 million views and has a collection of really nice comments of support and also people sharing their own experiences. 

I'm 20 years old and I only really came to a solid conclusion that I am bisexual about a year ago; I spent 19 years questioning my own identity. I've never truly come out to everyone in my family either. Although I'm so certain of myself I still get nervous and worried about how people will react to me. Unfortunately, I don't think those feelings will ever go away, maybe they'll slowly minimise, but then again maybe not. From all the people I asked in my poll, 81% of them were under 21, and 67% of them knew they weren't heterosexual before they turned 13 years old. 

LGBT+ rights are something I feel very strongly about, and as someone who is a part of the LGBT+ community it affects me, and quite a few of my friends. If you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or whatever you identify as then please know that you aren't alone and there are always people you can talk to:

Alternatively you can always message me on my Instagram or twitter!

Thank you for reading,
Bx

Best shows to watch on Netflix right now!

Whether you're a steady watcher or a total binger just like me, these shows are a brilliant way to pass some time and indulge in a new fantasy. All of the shows I'm about to mention are all on UK Netflix, although I know most, if not all, of them are on the US version of Netflix too.

1.Peaky Blinders

Starring the wonderful (and gorgeous) Cillian Murphy as the leader of the Peaky Blinders, the real-life gangsters of early 1900's Birmingham. It's an action-packed show with lots of exciting scenes that leave you wanting more! With only 6 episodes per series it's a pretty easy show to binge watch; it helps that it's just soo addictive! 

It's not just full of good-looking Brummy blokes in sharp suits though. Oh no. This show is full of jaw-dropping twists and fantastic writing. Everyone in this show is amazing, especially Cillian (although he's brilliant in everything)!

http://rebloggy.com/post/skins-skins-uk-cook-gen-2-gateau/45205040336

Season 4, the latest season, aired in November on BBC 2 which means it's yet to be added to UK Netflix, though all 4 seasons are on US Netflix already. 


2. Skins

Skins is probably one of my favourite shows. It's a coming-of-age teen show that features sex, drugs, love, fall outs, death, you name it. Mental health is also heavily featured in the show. It shows the real struggles that teenagers go through.

A U.S version was made but cancelled after one season because it was too much for the U.S audience. It was rubbish anyway, nothing like the original UK version.

The show follows three different generations of teens throughout their two years at college in Bristol, South West England. There are 7 seasons all together, 2 per generation and a final 6 episode season catching up with 3 of the main characters a few years after leaving college.

http://rebloggy.com/post/skins-skins-uk-cook-gen-2-gateau/45205040336

It's funny and heart-breaking. Such a popular show when it was first released and still just as popular now with new generations of teens. I really recommend you watch it. And all episodes are on both UK and US Netflix.


3. That 70's Show

I LOVE the 70's. 70's fashion, music, movies. So when I discovered That 70's Show I was shook. It's a sitcom following 6 teenagers throughout the last 3 years of the 70's. Jackie Burkhart (Mila Kunis) is honestly one of my favourite TV characters ever.

 https://favim.com/image/5082146/

The show follows of Eric Foreman (Topher Grace), Michael Kelso (Ashton Kutcher), Steven Hyde (Danny Masterton), Donna Pinciotti (Laura Prepon), Jackie Burkhart (Mila Kunis) and Fez (Wilmer Valderrama). 

The show is hilarious and I've watched it so many times I practically know it off by heart. Plus the fashion makes my little fashion-loving heart swell with joy and love!!


4. Stranger Things

Now, I know that everyone and their Mothers have seen Stranger Things. But, there is a good reason for that... It's so good! It's a sci-fi fantasy show featuring the wonderful Winona Ryder. I'm certain you've seen at least one clip or photo from the show. Maybe this one...

https://www.festive-lights.com/blog/fun-stuff/love-stranger-things-still-keep-fairy-lights/

Yeah, I thought so. I love the drama and suspense in the show. With two season on Netflix and a third coming later in the year I can only hope that it keeps up with the dramatic scenes.

5. The Office U.S

http://www.reactiongifs.com/tag/the-office/

Although this show is no longer on UK Netflix I still had to include it on this list because it's one of, if not THE, best show I've ever watched. It's hilarious and it's filled with relatable characters. 

Michael Scott (Steve Carell) and Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) make such a hilarious pair. Based on (and way better than) the UK version written and starring Ricky Gervais, this show is non stop laughs. And I know most of you would have already watched this, but if you haven't then what are you doing? Get on that! Dwight Schrute is also one of my favourite TV characters ever along with Jackie Burkhart!

You at least have to watch this clip:

These are my favourite shows that are on Netflix right now. I know there are loads of shows on Netflix I haven't watched yet or I'm in the middle of watching them, so maybe I'll do another list in a few months when I have a chance to watch some more! Also feel free to recommend me some shows and I'll for sure check them out!

Thanks for reading!
Bx

Cutting out toxicity - Why it's okay

I just wanted to write a quick post about toxic friendships and relationships because its been on my mind recently.

Every one at some point in their lives will come across someone or something toxic to them. That's life, but cutting people off can be tough and it's totally okay. I have cut off so many people in my life because of bad relationships with them that affected my mental health, or even theirs. 

There is nothing wrong with cutting people out of your life to feel better. Sometimes you have to think of you first and if they're doing something that you don't like, they're not very nice to you or people you know or they affect your well-being then cut them off. Tell them where to stuff it and leave. 

Some friendships and relationships don't work out and they need to come to an end to protect you or the other person. If you want to know how to spot a toxic relationship/friendship then here are some good articles that explain it:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-davis/23-warning-signs-of-a-tox_b_9645474.html

http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/41671031-dfc5-494b-84c8-2de8e0b59155

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201603/8-signs-toxic-friendship

I really recommend that you check out these posts and maybe highlight whether you're in a toxic relationship and how to over come it. 

I recently had to cut someone out of my life. I felt bad about it, but in the end I feel a lot better and my anxiety has calmed down a lot since. I'm obviously sad this person isn't going to be in my life anymore, but it was the best thing to do for both of us. And that's okay. Friends come and go and they always will, so don't force yourself to be stuck in a relationship you're not happy in; no good will ever come of that. 

You are the most important person, so if someone is upsetting you or hurting you then leave, you'll get over the friendship/relationship. There are always people you can talk to whether it be family or other healthier friends. You don't need to stay, and cutting people off can sometimes be the best thing you can do.

Thanks for reading!

Bx

Current Playlist - What I'm listening to...

I love music, and it has really helped me through some tough times in my life. Music is a personal thing and every one has different tastes. I listen to a variety of different music; I can go from listening to grime to musicals. I don't really have a specific genre I listen to. I also believe that the lines are blurred when it comes to genres, music is music and if you like it then listen to it. 

I used the website Obscurify to find out what music I listen to the most. Kind of surprised, but also not really surprised at the same time. 

Punk Christmas? That's the surprising part.. I wasn't aware I listened to that many 'Punk Christmas' songs, especially considering that it's March! 

As you can see from my top artists I'm not too fussy about what I listen to. Although Blink-182 and The Neighbourhood are my all time favourite bands. Specifically The Neighbourhood, I listened to them exclusively when I was at my lowest and I think that they'll always have a special place in my musical heart.

I have a list of the songs I'm listening to the most at the minute and I really recommend checking them out; broaden your musical taste.

1. Fake Happy - Paramore

I love this song because I think it captures what it's like to have a mental illness perfectly. Sometimes we do fake being happy and the song is totally relatable. Plus I have the biggest crush on Hayley Williams...

2. Sadderdaze - The Neighbourhood

As I mentioned before, The Neighbourhood are my favourite band. I love everything they do but this song from their latest EP stood out to me. They released a new album on 9th March, which by the way is amazing! Go check that out too.

3. Northern Downpour - Panic! At the Disco

Who doesn't love early Panic! At the Disco? I know I do. I love Panic! So much. I've loved them since they released their very first album in 2005, and I've loved everything they've released since, and probably whatever they'll release in the future. But, early Panic! is for sure my favourite era.

4. Purple Rain - Prince

My Mum is a huge Prince fan so I grew up listening to a lot of Prince. It also helps that Prince was a genius song writer and fantastic musician. But Purple Rain is a perfect, classic, rock song that I think everyone likes whether it's secretly or not.

5. Kiwi - Harry Styles

I love Harry Styles. Sorry. He is just such a genuinely nice human being who also happens to write great music. Since leaving One Direction, Harry seems to have stepped out of the boy-band bubble and started showing his true self. The music he writes is so different to his 1D days. Every song on his self-titled debut album is different so it's sure to appeal to lots of people. I'm also going to need a studio version of Medicine, thanks Harry...

Every song I've featured in this post is also in a public Spotify playlist I've made. You can find that here, so please check it out and I'll be adding to it all the time. Also let me know what songs you're listening to at the minute!

Thanks for reading!

Bx

My favourite Youtubers!

Watching Youtube videos is basically what I spend most of my time doing. I subscribe to a lot of Youtubers, but I have a few selected ones I watch all the time. I often spend time binge watching Youtuber videos and vlogs. I love vlogs. Youtube and Youtubers have influenced me a lot, and I know that some of them start off writing blogs, so maybe one day I'll venture on to Youtube, who knows. 

I watch a whole variety of videos including lifestyle, beauty, make up tutorials, travel vlogs, daily vlogs, music covers, and more. Youtube and other social medias are platforms to inspire and I think that these Youtubers do that in one way or another.

Emzotic

Em runs an animal education channel on Youtube. She has lots of animals and does a weekly series called the 'Creature feature' where she takes one specific animal or species and makes a video explaining how to care for this animal, and facts about said animal. She's a pretty cool lady. 

You can watch Emzotics videos here!


Jenna Marbles

Everyone who watches Youtube knows who Jenna Marbles is. I love Jenna, I think she's absolutely hilarious. Whether she's gluing rhinestones to her face or attempting to prank her boyfriend Julien, it's always a fun time on her channel. 

Check out Jennas channel here.


Louise Pentland/Sprinkle of glitter

Louise Pentland is a British Youtuber and blogger. Every Sunday Louise posts a weekly vlog that I watch every week. She started out as a beauty blogger nearly 10 years ago, but now features parenting tips and lifestyle videos. Louise is totally real and really authentic, she doesn't really sugar-coat anything.

Watch Louises main channel here and her Sprinkle of Chatter channel here.


Sophie Louise

Sophie Louise is a beauty and lifestyle Youtuber. Last year she vlogged moving house, I loved watching them. Sophie is a smaller Youtuber which, to me, makes her a little bit more authentic. 

Take a look at her channel here


Jbunzie

Jbunzie does a few different things on her channel. She posts make up tutorials, vintage fashion and does the most amazing character and celebrity transformations. She has transformed herself in to Jessica Rabbit, Betty Boop, Ariana Grande, Daenerys and many more. I highly suggest you check out her channels.

She is totally adorable and is a unique channel to me. Jessica has a love for all things vintage and is always trying out vintage make up or tutorials.

Her main channel can be found here and her second channel here!


Crystal Lindy

Lindy is a Youtuber from the Netherlands. She has a really cool unique style and bases her videos around that. Lindy does grunge inspired make up tutorials, and hair dye tutorials.

You can check her out here!

Sophdoesnails

Soph is a UK beauty blogger. She makes make up tutorials and reviews make up and beauty products. Soph actually has her own highlighter and eye shadow palettes in collaboration with Make Up Revolution. I reviewed her eyeshadow palette in a previous blog post, you can check that out here.

Have a looks at Sophs channel. 


Gabriella Lindley/VelvetGhost

Gabby is a lifestyle and beauty Youtuber from Brighton, UK. Gabby makes a range of videos, from Q&As to make up product reviews. Gabriella also has a vlog channel where she often posts daily/weekly vlogs. I find that she is really open and real with everyone, so I really like her content.

Gabriellas main channel (VelvetGhost) can be found here and her vlog channel here.

I really hope you take the time to check out and support these Youtubers. They deserve it.

Thank you for reading!
Bx

Get to know me tag!

 I thought I would do a 'get to know me' tag. Mainly because I love answering questions! I just took these questions from here so if you fancy having a go! 

Are you named after anyone?

Well not specifically but my Mum once told me there was a character in Star Trek with the same name as me, but she was only in it for one episode.

https://www.reddit.com/r/startrek/

When was the last time you cried?

Honestly I cry all the time, it's good to cry. It's like a stress relief I think.

Do you have kids?

Nooo, no thank you haha!

If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself?

Yes! Of course, haha. Although we would fight a lot, I know that. 

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Me? Nooo, never!

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Physically it's hair, I don't know why... But I take a lot of notice in peoples attitudes and how they talk to other people. I like to think I'm a pretty good judge in character.

What is your eye colour?

Hazel, but they're more green than anything really.

Scary movie or happy endings?

Scary movie! Horror films are my favourite. I love them. I'm the sort of person who can sit alone at 3am and watch a horror film in the dark. I'm yet to find one that really scares me yet though!

Favorite smells?

Petrol, and when my Granny does laundry. I don't know what detergent she uses but it's sooo good.

What’s the furthest you’ve ever been from home?

I went to New York about 11 years go. I live in the UK so that's definitely the furthest I've ever been from home.

Do you have any special talents?

Not that I'm aware of! Maybe I just haven't discovered what it is yet.

Where were you born?

I live in Cornwall, England. So I was born in the main hospital in Cornwall called Treliske!

(Lonely Planet Images)

What are your hobbies?

Reading and writing are my main hobbies! But I grew up around horses so I guess you could class that as a hobby.

Do you have any pets?

Yes! I have two dogs called Herbie and Tilly, and two hamsters called Judith and Fez.

Tilly left and Herbie right

Do you have any siblings?

I have a younger brother and sister. Reuben is 6 and Eliza is 4.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Well, as a grown up I think this ship has sailed. But when I was younger I wanted to be an astronaut or an English teacher.

Who was your first best friend?

My first true best friend was probably a girl I met in secondary school called Katie.

How tall are you?

I am 5ft 6" and 1/2

Funniest moment throughout School?

This is hard! I don't have any that stick out to me, so couldn't have been that funny!

How many countries have you visited?

I have been to Finland, America, Spain and France. So four.

What was your favorite/worst subject in High School?

My favourite was English because I love reading and writing, and the worst was definitely Physics because my teacher never taught us anything.

What is your Favorite drink? Animal? Perfume?

Lemonade for sure. I love rats and meerkats! And I can't choose between Ariana Grande Sweet like Candy, Paul Smith Rose or Calvin Klein Deep Eurphoria.

What would you (or have you) name your children?

I like Sebastian and Nuala (pronounced Noo-la).

What Sports do you play/Have you played?

I used to ride horses and I played hockey and netball in school.

Who are some of your favorite YouTubers?

I'm making a whole other post about this so when I've done that I'll link it here!

How many Girlfriends/Boyfriends have you had?

Like 2 I think.

How would you describe your fashion sense?

90's inspired. I love vintage from the 80's, 70's and 90's. But I love 90's fashion more than anything!

What phone do you have? (iOS v Android?)

iPhone. Although it does my head in, I don't think I could ever go back to an android.

Tell us one of your bad habits!

I bite my nails and I really wish I wouldn't!

Thank you for reading!

Bx

Depression - What it's like to live and deal with it.

Trigger warning

Having a mental illness is just as serious as having a physical illness. If you haven't had a mental illness then it's really hard to understand how someone with a mental illness is feeling. This is where empathy comes in. 

I've had mental health problems for as long as I can remember really. They're not limited to anyone. Every single human being on this planet can have a mental illness. From any walk of life. Every 1 in 4 people suffer from mental health problems in their lifetimes in the UK. So don't think that you're immune. If you show any symptoms then I urge you to please get help. Don't suffer in silence. There are billions of people just like you, and you can't get help.

I want to let anyone reading this who has or thinks they have mental health issues to know that you are not alone, and there is help out there whenever you feel like you need it. I'll post helplines and websites at the end of my post.

Symptoms of depression- Depression has many symptoms, but these symptoms are also symptoms for numerous other conditions, so please look in to these with an open mind, but also seek medical help advice too. 

Low mood: I believe this is the most obvious symptom. Now, this doesn't mean you're feeling a little sad today because something didn't go right. Low mood means no motivation, or feeling so sad you almost feel empty. Of course being sad means low mood, and yes it can be a symptom of depression. But, a one-off doesn't necessarily mean depression. 

Suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm: If you ever think about killing yourself on a serious note, then please get help. It's a permanent solution for a temporary situation. Much to some peoples belief, it's not cowardly either. Physically going through with suicide takes a lot. It's incredibly draining to think about and no one should ever have to think that it is the only solution to something. Also self harm comes in many forms. It's not just cutting, it can come in the form of doing something to yourself knowing it'll cause you discomfort or pain. Like starving yourself for example. It's a big spectrum, but please seek medical help if you experience any of these things.

No enjoyment in things you used to like doing: This can cause you to stop activities you love, or hanging out with friends too. When you have depression you can lose motivation and interest in doing things. It's a painful process because half the time you actually want to do them, you just can't. Without actually going through it it can be quite hard to understand. I've heard 'well just do it if you want to', but I can't. I just can't do it. 

Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much: Sleep plays such a huge part in the stability of your mental health. Not sleeping enough can cause you to be irritable and unpleasant to be around which fucks with your mental health. But then sleeping too much makes you feel useless and lazy. Trust me, I've felt both. 

There are more symptoms of depression and you can find them on the mind.org website. 

What it's like to live with depression- Living with depression is a really hard thing to talk about. Mainly because not everyone experiences the same thing. But, for me, I find it actually really hard. I don't show it often, but I sometimes really struggle. It can be hard to function with daily tasks like showering, work, eating, basically anything other than sleeping. Because when you're asleep you don't have to deal with things, right? 

Last October I had to quit my job due to my anxiety and depression. Leaving my job gave me a form of relief because I knew I could start working on trying to get better. But at the same time I also felt useless, like I was letting everyone around me down. Also I started to think that I would have no future if I couldn't work and get experience, or save money for myself. I still often think like that, yet whenever I think about getting a job I can get physically sick. Its a vicious cycle. 

I know I don't have it as bad as some people, but that doesn't stop it from being hard. And you should stop comparing your struggles and hardships with other people. It's not going to do you any good. I promise. 

Living with depression and anxiety is really hard. I'm not going to sugar coat this post because I know that if I do then I wont be helping anyone. 

Depression isn't glamorous. At all. Some people paint this picture of depression being a young girl crying alone in her room. That is so not the case. I can go days without leaving my room. I'm irritable with the smallest of things. I argue with my Mum. I wont shower. I'll either binge eat or starve myself as a punishment. I've self-harmed. Half the time, I feel absolutely nothing. No emotions or feelings, I just feel totally empty. Sometimes I wont sleep and other times I can sleep for nearly 20 hours a day. When I'm in my low moods I know I'm an incredibly unpleasant person to be around.

As I mentioned in my personal mental health journey blog post (you can read here) I have ruined a lot of relationships with some really great friends due to my depression and anxiety. I get so paranoid that people don't like me, or they're talking behind my back. I do this thing where I cut off relationships before they can, whether they're going to or not. I can't help it. It's like the depressive side of me is a hell of a lot more powerful than the logical side of me, and it controls what I say and do.

Self diagnosis - I thoroughly approve of self diagnosis. You know yourself better than anyone. If you can't self diagnose yourself anyway, then how can you know if something is wrong?

When I was growing up I knew something wasn't right with me, but whenever I went to the doctors I always felt like I wasn't being taken seriously. 

I first went to see a doctor about how I was feeling when I was about 15/16 and I did get sent to counselling but my counsellor was the worst. Everything she said was just so patronising and never actually told me anything new, she just repeated everything I said back to me. Like, lady, you're just telling me things I already know.

But I didn't give up! After 3 different counsellors and one suicide attempt, I was finally diagnosed with depression! Yay. At least now I knew I was right about not being completely right. Of course I knew, but it felt good hearing it come out of the mouth of a professional. 

I know for a fact I have Bipolar disorder. I show all the signs for it, plus it runs in my family. Yet the doctors wont have any of it whenever I mention it. But I KNOW I have it. So if you want to self diagnose yourself, then do it. You know what you're thinking and how you feel, no one else. Don't wait until you have it come out of a doctors mouth, if you feel like you have it and want help then go for it! 


How I deal with having depression and anxiety- I believe I've had depression and most definitely anxiety for a very, very long time. From childhood. I had a funny childhood, I wont get in to it because it doesn't just involve me. And I can't ever remember a time where I didn't feel like a huge waste of space. 

Since I was about 10 years old I've really struggled with body image issues. I had bulimia when I was in secondary school, and I now currently have an eating disorder too. 

So, what I'm saying is that I've had problems for a really long time so they've become part of me. It's something I face everyday, and have done for about 12 years. 

Over the past couple years I've definitely learned to control myself and how I act a lot better. I've learnt to communicate with people and let them know how I'm feeling and let them know I may be M.I.A for a few days or weeks (I do this often to clear my head and have some 'me' time). 

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I feel like this post is just me rambling about issues and problems I've had. But it's nearly 4 AM so I'm really tired and can't sleep (depression symptom) and I'm feeling super inspired to just write and write. 

Mental health is something I am really passionate about. I really want you to get help if you need to. I'm working on myself. 

Here are some helplines you can call if you are in need of any help

Thank you for reading and I hope it's helped anyone reading. Or it's helped you so you can help someone you know with mental health issues. 

Bx

Photos courtesy of:

http://oxfordstudent.com/2018/01/14/mental-health-oxford-time-change/