Being young and gay! - The reality of it

I think I have always known I wasn't 100% straight. I remember watching programmes when I was younger and only really paying attention to the girls and thinking they were pretty or I would 'fancy' women on TV more than men. I used to watch Strictly Come Dancing and not  look at the men dancers at all really, I still don't. When I started to realise this I began questioning why I thought like this; am I gay? This question has always played on my mind, I wasn't sure if I was a lesbian or bisexual. 

Throughout my life I always told people I was straight, I felt a bit ashamed I suppose. But towards the last couple years of secondary school a couple of my friends came out and were accepted by people in our friendship group. I thought that if they were accepted then I would be too; so I built up the courage to tell my closest friends I was bisexual. Like I guessed, they were totally cool with it and it was like nothing happened. 

Because of the acceptance of my friendship group I thought about telling my parents. I felt more confident telling my Mum about my sexuality. It wasn't like a sit-down situation, it was just sort of brought up in conversation and that was it really. It was pretty easy, but I knew my Mum would be okay with whatever sexuality I am. Telling my Dad wasn't as easy for me. I was so nervous, I could barely get the words out. I held it off for so long because I wasn't sure what he would say. I knew he wouldn't disown me or anything like that, but there was still something there that was preventing me from telling him. Although it wasn't as easy as telling my Mum, it went down okay and I felt a lot better afterwards. 

I know that I'm one of the really lucky ones, and not all parents are as accepting as mine. So many kids are rejected and shunned by their parents for their sexuality. 24% of the homeless youth in the UK are LGBT+. The main reasons so many young, gay people are homeless is due to parental rejection, abuse from within the family and also aggression. There are many shelters up and down the UK but they're not always easily accessible. Many charities have been set up to help fund shelters and get more LGBT+ youth off the streets and in to a safe environment, including: The Albert Kennedy Trust. 

Rob Stothard—Getty Images

Through a poll I shared I asked a group of LGBT youth how their parents reacted to them coming out and 73% answered that their parents accepted their sexuality and they also get along with them. This is a good statistic and I'm really please that these people had a good coming out experience. 18% answered that their parents accepted their sexuality, but not their gender identity. 

Nearly half of young LGBT+ people have considered suicide in their lives. That is a sad and shocking statistic. Mental health is also a big problem particularly for LGBT+ people as 42% have sought medical help to do with anxiety and also depression. There is a higher risk of mental health problems in young LGBT+ people compared to heterosexual people of the same age. Almost half of under 26 year old transgender people have attempted suicide. Why is mental health such a big issue for LGBT+ youth? Is it due to the lack of mental health support in the UK? Personally it took me over five attempts of talking to a doctor about my own mental health to finally be taken seriously and given the health care I really needed. I believe some people think that the struggles we go through are just trivial things that aren't really a big deal, but this is so far from the truth! 

In some places LGBT+ people still aren't even treated like human beings. Being gay is illegal in 72 countries. That is a huge amount of countries. And in 8 countries gay people can face the death penalty. Can you imagine being sentenced to death just for being in love? It's madness. Besides facing death, gay people can also end up with a 15 year prison sentence in some countries. In 2011 Radio 1 DJ, Scott Mills - an openly gay man - travelled to the African country, Uganda to document the way gay people are treated. At that time a gay person could face 14 years in prison. Many people tried to put forth the death penalty although this was changed to life in prison in 2014. During Mills' time in Uganda he met with anti-gay preachers and also gay people who are in hiding. If caught these people could be sent to prison, or even beaten to death in the street. The documentary is truly eye-opening. I found a version of it on Youtube which I'll link here. Go check it out if you have a chance. I asked a group of young LGBT+ people whether they ever feel the need to hide their sexual identity and every single one of them said yes. 100% said they feel the need to hide who they are. That is so incredibly saddening. 

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80% of LGBT+ people who have experience a hate crime due to their sexuality didn't report it to the police. Young people are also the least likely to report a hate crime because they feel that the authorities don't take their issues seriously. Seems to be a reoccurring situation that LGBT+ people aren't taken seriously. Youtuber Timmy Timato (23) made a video 3 years ago talking about a homophobic attack him and his boyfriend experienced in a shopping mall in America. In the video Timmy said that him and his partner were on an ascending escalator sharing a kiss, and on the descending escalator was a man who then started to shout homophobic comments at them. 'I'm glad we were on different escalators and safe because I don't know what would've happened, he seemed so angry.' Timmy also mentions that the situation was 'traumatising' because they 'didn't feel safe'. Although Timmy says that he is all for PDA, 36% of LGBT+ people said they don't feel comfortable walking in public while holding their partners hand. I asked in a poll if people have ever felt discriminated against by a stranger and 79% answered yes. Attacks on LGBT+ people surge almost 80% in the UK over the last four years.

LGBT+ representation is slowing increasing - not as much as I would like, but it is happening - in film and TV. According to GLAAD, of the 125 film released in 2016 only 23 (18.4%) contained characters who identified as LGBT+. That isn't a great amount really. Although Hollywood is letting us down with representation, there are quite a few shows on Netflix with some pretty awesome LGBT+ characters including: Orange is the New Black, and Sense 8. Gay men are the most represented by a significant margin of 83%. Lesbian characters have increased since 2016 by 35%, and bisexual representation has increased by 13%. Even though LGBT+ representation is increasing, it's only really increasing for white people. The racial diversity of LGBT+ characters has actually decreased, which is very disappointing. A record breaking number of LGBT+ characters appeared on US TV in 2017. 6.4% of characters on broadcast prime-time TV identified as LBGT+, with 77% of them being white. There is also more discussion about being LGBT+ with celebrities now too as more of them are coming out. Loads of A-List celebrities are openly gay and also fight for gay rights, using their social media platforms to spread information. Open LGBT+ celebrities include: David Bowie, Laverne Cox, Amandla Stenberg, Stephen Fry, Angelina Jolie, Halsey and so many more!

Troye Sivan, an Australian Youtuber and singer, used his platform in 2013 to come out as gay to his followers and fans. He did this because he thought he owed it to his fans, but also because he wanted to inspire his younger fans who are questioning themselves. In his video he talks about how he watched so many 'coming out videos' that inspired him and gave him the courage, so he wanted to do the same. 'But this is not something I'm ashamed of, and it's not something anyone should have to be ashamed of.'  The video has 7.8 million views and has a collection of really nice comments of support and also people sharing their own experiences. 

I'm 20 years old and I only really came to a solid conclusion that I am bisexual about a year ago; I spent 19 years questioning my own identity. I've never truly come out to everyone in my family either. Although I'm so certain of myself I still get nervous and worried about how people will react to me. Unfortunately, I don't think those feelings will ever go away, maybe they'll slowly minimise, but then again maybe not. From all the people I asked in my poll, 81% of them were under 21, and 67% of them knew they weren't heterosexual before they turned 13 years old. 

LGBT+ rights are something I feel very strongly about, and as someone who is a part of the LGBT+ community it affects me, and quite a few of my friends. If you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or whatever you identify as then please know that you aren't alone and there are always people you can talk to:

Alternatively you can always message me on my Instagram or twitter!

Thank you for reading,
Bx

Depression - What it's like to live and deal with it.

Trigger warning

Having a mental illness is just as serious as having a physical illness. If you haven't had a mental illness then it's really hard to understand how someone with a mental illness is feeling. This is where empathy comes in. 

I've had mental health problems for as long as I can remember really. They're not limited to anyone. Every single human being on this planet can have a mental illness. From any walk of life. Every 1 in 4 people suffer from mental health problems in their lifetimes in the UK. So don't think that you're immune. If you show any symptoms then I urge you to please get help. Don't suffer in silence. There are billions of people just like you, and you can't get help.

I want to let anyone reading this who has or thinks they have mental health issues to know that you are not alone, and there is help out there whenever you feel like you need it. I'll post helplines and websites at the end of my post.

Symptoms of depression- Depression has many symptoms, but these symptoms are also symptoms for numerous other conditions, so please look in to these with an open mind, but also seek medical help advice too. 

Low mood: I believe this is the most obvious symptom. Now, this doesn't mean you're feeling a little sad today because something didn't go right. Low mood means no motivation, or feeling so sad you almost feel empty. Of course being sad means low mood, and yes it can be a symptom of depression. But, a one-off doesn't necessarily mean depression. 

Suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm: If you ever think about killing yourself on a serious note, then please get help. It's a permanent solution for a temporary situation. Much to some peoples belief, it's not cowardly either. Physically going through with suicide takes a lot. It's incredibly draining to think about and no one should ever have to think that it is the only solution to something. Also self harm comes in many forms. It's not just cutting, it can come in the form of doing something to yourself knowing it'll cause you discomfort or pain. Like starving yourself for example. It's a big spectrum, but please seek medical help if you experience any of these things.

No enjoyment in things you used to like doing: This can cause you to stop activities you love, or hanging out with friends too. When you have depression you can lose motivation and interest in doing things. It's a painful process because half the time you actually want to do them, you just can't. Without actually going through it it can be quite hard to understand. I've heard 'well just do it if you want to', but I can't. I just can't do it. 

Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much: Sleep plays such a huge part in the stability of your mental health. Not sleeping enough can cause you to be irritable and unpleasant to be around which fucks with your mental health. But then sleeping too much makes you feel useless and lazy. Trust me, I've felt both. 

There are more symptoms of depression and you can find them on the mind.org website. 

What it's like to live with depression- Living with depression is a really hard thing to talk about. Mainly because not everyone experiences the same thing. But, for me, I find it actually really hard. I don't show it often, but I sometimes really struggle. It can be hard to function with daily tasks like showering, work, eating, basically anything other than sleeping. Because when you're asleep you don't have to deal with things, right? 

Last October I had to quit my job due to my anxiety and depression. Leaving my job gave me a form of relief because I knew I could start working on trying to get better. But at the same time I also felt useless, like I was letting everyone around me down. Also I started to think that I would have no future if I couldn't work and get experience, or save money for myself. I still often think like that, yet whenever I think about getting a job I can get physically sick. Its a vicious cycle. 

I know I don't have it as bad as some people, but that doesn't stop it from being hard. And you should stop comparing your struggles and hardships with other people. It's not going to do you any good. I promise. 

Living with depression and anxiety is really hard. I'm not going to sugar coat this post because I know that if I do then I wont be helping anyone. 

Depression isn't glamorous. At all. Some people paint this picture of depression being a young girl crying alone in her room. That is so not the case. I can go days without leaving my room. I'm irritable with the smallest of things. I argue with my Mum. I wont shower. I'll either binge eat or starve myself as a punishment. I've self-harmed. Half the time, I feel absolutely nothing. No emotions or feelings, I just feel totally empty. Sometimes I wont sleep and other times I can sleep for nearly 20 hours a day. When I'm in my low moods I know I'm an incredibly unpleasant person to be around.

As I mentioned in my personal mental health journey blog post (you can read here) I have ruined a lot of relationships with some really great friends due to my depression and anxiety. I get so paranoid that people don't like me, or they're talking behind my back. I do this thing where I cut off relationships before they can, whether they're going to or not. I can't help it. It's like the depressive side of me is a hell of a lot more powerful than the logical side of me, and it controls what I say and do.

Self diagnosis - I thoroughly approve of self diagnosis. You know yourself better than anyone. If you can't self diagnose yourself anyway, then how can you know if something is wrong?

When I was growing up I knew something wasn't right with me, but whenever I went to the doctors I always felt like I wasn't being taken seriously. 

I first went to see a doctor about how I was feeling when I was about 15/16 and I did get sent to counselling but my counsellor was the worst. Everything she said was just so patronising and never actually told me anything new, she just repeated everything I said back to me. Like, lady, you're just telling me things I already know.

But I didn't give up! After 3 different counsellors and one suicide attempt, I was finally diagnosed with depression! Yay. At least now I knew I was right about not being completely right. Of course I knew, but it felt good hearing it come out of the mouth of a professional. 

I know for a fact I have Bipolar disorder. I show all the signs for it, plus it runs in my family. Yet the doctors wont have any of it whenever I mention it. But I KNOW I have it. So if you want to self diagnose yourself, then do it. You know what you're thinking and how you feel, no one else. Don't wait until you have it come out of a doctors mouth, if you feel like you have it and want help then go for it! 


How I deal with having depression and anxiety- I believe I've had depression and most definitely anxiety for a very, very long time. From childhood. I had a funny childhood, I wont get in to it because it doesn't just involve me. And I can't ever remember a time where I didn't feel like a huge waste of space. 

Since I was about 10 years old I've really struggled with body image issues. I had bulimia when I was in secondary school, and I now currently have an eating disorder too. 

So, what I'm saying is that I've had problems for a really long time so they've become part of me. It's something I face everyday, and have done for about 12 years. 

Over the past couple years I've definitely learned to control myself and how I act a lot better. I've learnt to communicate with people and let them know how I'm feeling and let them know I may be M.I.A for a few days or weeks (I do this often to clear my head and have some 'me' time). 

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I feel like this post is just me rambling about issues and problems I've had. But it's nearly 4 AM so I'm really tired and can't sleep (depression symptom) and I'm feeling super inspired to just write and write. 

Mental health is something I am really passionate about. I really want you to get help if you need to. I'm working on myself. 

Here are some helplines you can call if you are in need of any help

Thank you for reading and I hope it's helped anyone reading. Or it's helped you so you can help someone you know with mental health issues. 

Bx

Photos courtesy of:

http://oxfordstudent.com/2018/01/14/mental-health-oxford-time-change/

Mental Health - My journey and how you can get help.

Trigger warning: I do talk about self harm and suicide attempts in this post so read with caution.

Dealing with mental health impacts every aspect of life, even if you're not the one that's ill. The chances of you knowing someone with mental health problems is very high, you may not even be aware of their conditions. Depression and anxiety affect every 1 in 6 people in the UK. Although, 1 in 4 people suffer from mental health problems. 

Mental health is as serious as any physical injury and should treated as such. I personally suffer from depression and anxiety. It can hit anyone: man, woman, gay, straight, black or white; it doesn't matter who you are or even your social status. 

My experience with depression and anxiety has been a roller coaster. I first noticed it when I was about 16 years old, although I believe it was there earlier as I was bullied for many reasons, the main one being my ginger hair. The trigger was my Mums husband leaving, then having to care for my Mum. He left right before my GCSE's, and it caused me to miss a lot of school which ended up piling on the stress for me. As a 16 year old this truly affected me terribly. I started self harming and basically begging for attention from anyone because I felt so low I just wanted someone to be there. On top of all of this I was internally dealing with my sexuality, I didn't know who I was. I'm bisexual, and now I embrace it but at the time I absolutely didn't want to be judged. Even though I've faced bi-phobia I'm comfortable enough with myself to not let it effect me too much. 

Although I did okay in my exams it caused me to have anxiety about school and education in general really. People judging and talking behind your back about how you skived so much school hurt me and scarred me. This went on until college. I rarely went due to anxiety, and my mood was so low I saw no point or no future for myself which then put me off going even more. It was a vicious cycle. I only lasted about 3 months at college. The college was completely unsympathetic to my situation and even told my whole tutor about my issues. Which, you guessed it, triggered even more anxiety. 

In February of 2015 I took an overdose of pills and was admitted to hospital where I was placed on a drip and monitored for 24 hours. This was a horrible experience for me and my family. Even though my Mum and Dad were with me whenever they could be, none of my friends came to see me or seem to care about it. This hurt and made me feel even worse. After this incident I dropped out of college and was sent to counselling.

This wasn't my first time at counselling. In fact it was my third. The first two being completely unsuccessful. Honestly, going in to my first session I didn't have high standards. I wasn't expecting it to go well. It didn't. I ended up going to one session. I hated it so much. 

After that I did nothing about my mental health for just over a year. In that year I had ups and downs. I had a job but my anxiety got the better of me and I ended up leaving my job and doing nothing for a few months. Until I found another job.

Towards the end of 2016 I got really low. I ended up missing work, and I didn't want to do that; I loved my job and the people there and felt like I was letting them down which caused more anxiety, unsurprisingly. Because of this I decided to do something about it, I wanted help, I didn't want to feel the way I felt anymore. I made a doctors appointment and ended up being referred to CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). The best thing to ever happen to me really. It was so different to the other counselling I'd had before. The woman I had working with me was (and still is) amazing and helped me so much. 

Around this time I was placed on anti-depressants and still take them today. I believe they've worked although I still have quite bad symptoms of depression and anxiety. After my counselling sessions finished (I had 6 sessions over the course of 8 weeks) I continued at my job but grew increasingly anxious and sad which then caused me to leave my job unfortunately. My manager was such an angel and really understood my situation. I am truly grateful as I'm aware not everyone is so empathetic to people with mental health problems. So, currently jobless and attending CBT again I'm starting to see a future for myself and I'm starting to pick myself up and stop feeling sorry for myself. 

My mental health has caused me to be bad at holding relationships with people as I get so anxious and stressed and I hold it in and push people away from me. My mood can change in the blink of an eye which I can't control no matter how hard I try. It puts a real strain on me. I've lost so many good friends over the years because of my mental health. It happens, and no one should have to apologise for their symptoms, and I've learned not to do that. So don't ever think you deserve less because of your mental health. 

I wanted to share this because I wanted to tell people my story and show that a lot of people go through shit and if you're feeling low that you're not alone. I am always open to talk on instagram @brennaahenryy and twitter @brewdarrymore if anyone wants to talk to a stranger (sometimes its easier).

I also want to say that if you're worried or anxious there are people you can talk to. Here are some numbers you can call if you're struggling:

You're never alone and there will always be someone to help. 
I want to tell you about this app I saw advertised on Twitter called Calm Harm. It's an app you can download for FREE on IOS and android. There is lots of different ways to control harming urges on the app from distractions to breathing exercises which also help with panic attacks and anxiety related problems. I've used it myself and I highly rate it!!

I want to thank you for letting me share my mental health journey, even though it's not complete yet. I'm anxious about posting this, but even if one person sees it and talks to someone that's a positive to me. 

Bx